Conjuncted

No one has looked at this for years

I’m free really

I quit social media

I’m hiding out

regaining my strength

healing my heart by sealing it off from all the things that have hurt it so much

I’ve had a huge year.

I got pregnant and had a termination

I broke up with my soul mate

I decided on a career

I moved into my own house

I met some soul friends that have changed my life, that will probably be with me forever

I fostered a dog

I managed a bar

I joined the circus (as a performer this time)

I finished a degree

I experienced more grief than I ever have in my life

and for the first time in my life I felt like an adult

For the first time in my life I came home and wasn’t a mess

I was relaxed and enjoyed a holiday

You are disapointed

with them all really

The nice old man at the cafe whom gave you free coffee and cake and then made a pass at you

At the boy who keeps demanding your attention now only after you have been separated by two states and separate lives

at the gentleman that took you home last night and explained only after you had fucked him that he has a girlfriend

at the one you love safely from a distance that loves someone else safely from a distance

disappointed

saddened

disheartened

all words

you know

much better than you would like

“sometimes I convince myselef I know you Mia

we will be going along fine

create a routine

get comfortable

then suddenly you wake up and you’re a completely different person

How the fuck do you expect me to keep up with you?

to love you?

when you’re never the same person?

we talk about one thing and you will have me so convinced you’re this

and then suddenly you’re that and I don’t fit anymore

you scare the shit out of me

the way I can never quite know what you will do next

because you don’t know

and you don’t seem to want to

how can I fit into a future that you can’t figure out whether you want to have?

sometimes I watch you convince yourself you enjoy it

the adventure of your life

the wild, volatile, explosive nature of it

The scary thing is that the more you get, the more you want

the more you win, the more insecure you become and the more people you seem to need to fuck for approval to feel okay again

you’re sick and you know it

what do I have to do to show you that you don’t need to keep doing this?

all I want is to love you

be your only one

hold you and tell you that you don’t need to lie to me

I see straight through all your bullshit

you don’t need to fuck me to keep me interested

I’m here

I’ll always be here

waiting for you to see me

just stop

stop running

stop fighting

stop pushing

stop filling the holes in you with more shit to keep them wide open

I love you

why can’t you love me?”

You want to rip his face off with the venom you feel surging from your throat.

You want your words to burn the smile off his face and turn his dead straight hair to curly whirly burning shit.

He’s won

The fact that you are there sitting with him illustrates that perfectly

He knows this

You know this

And yet the want in you churns your very flesh

Your mouth is on him and he is quietly gloating

You hate him for every second this will take but you have no control

‘fuck you are volatile aren’t you’ he says

you have no words

your fingernails dig into his pasty white skins and he can feel your need, your hunger raging like a fire within you.

Your beyond speaking

Your kneading his manhood with your eyes, your gouging his ego with your teeth

You hate him

All of him

You can’t stop but he won’t respond

He’s concentrating

He’s swimming in his glee and watching it so he will not drown in you and crash the car.

But you want him to

Anything for the fire in you to stop singing at your insides

His fingers are suddenly stroking your heat

You bite

Lash

And fight with your words because they are all you have now

So lost are you in your own boiling

He could pull over but he won’t

He enjoys this hold he has over you too much

It’s new to him

Seeing you like this

Feeling you like this

You contained it so long

You were afraid he would be chased away by your wildness

And now it’s all of you

He’s watching you burn

And you are watching him like prey

When his head hits the bedframe

You will fight him

And he knows he may lose

Because he senses a challenge in you that no-one could win

you taste your own hate on his neck

you want it to unsettle him

An unfamiliar presence since you last licked his lips

Now he smells it and he cannot know what will come from it

But you do

And you don’t want to think about it

Because you’re all fire

And while you burn

You can’t see or think or hear

You just feel

fire

If you forget to fall in love with me

then I will forget to remind you to

and this can end up

the way we had always planned it too

Tell me how you feel?

Nothing, I feel nothing

Surely you feel something? You’re here; you waited all day for me.

I’m not here.

You are, you’re right here in front of me like you always are.

I wait for you

Yes. You wait for me to come home from work so we can share a wonderful evening together.

You’re lying to yourself.

What? You’re not even making sense. I’m not having this conversation. You’re here and I’m here so let’s sit down and have dinner together.

Fact: Two people do not sit down at the dinner table

So how was your day?

I have no concept of time.

Really? Must we play this game again? You never make this easy for me you know? I’m fucking trying! I try so hard with you. Everyday I wake up and give you another chance to just be normal. But you won’t will you? You do realise how selfish you’re being don’t you? Just one day I would like to come home to a smile or a ‘hello baby, I’m glad you’re finally home.’ Maybe we could even have sex? No, oh no that is just too hard for you isn’t it?

Playing house won’t fix this

Then go away. Fuck off. Go on. This is my house, I bought it for us remember?

I can’t, I’m waiting.

What the fuck for?

You know exactly what for.

You’re not dead.

I am

You’re fucking not

I am

Then I’m mad

You are

Prove it

Go to the brick wall you built behind our bed

No

Because you know what’s behind the wall

Yes I built it for insulation because you told me you were getting cold

That’s what you told yourself when you built it. Go to the wall.

No. stop. Don’t leave me here.

A lonely man stands up from his chair at the dinner table and anxiously follows a spectre into his room. He strokes the bricks behind his bed that he laid himself, long ago. Behind the bricks the bones of his wife sit lonely too.

I’m sorry

I know sweetheart

Why are you still here then?

I’m not sure. To remind you?

I didn’t kill you

You did

Will you ever leave?

I hope so.

What do I do?

I don’t know